"Could I trust them with my kid? Would my sweet daughter find the nipple clamps and play dress-ups?"
Let’s just get clear right off the bat that I am no prudish virgin queen, ok? I like sex. I like it naughty and with the lights on. I like some dirty talk, and I’m partial to a spanking - as long as it doesn't hurt of course.
Hell, I have even been known to partake in some pretty hot and frisky outdoor sexual adventures (I’ll just let your mind run wild with that), AND I’ve kissed a girl.
Sure, now that I’m in my 40s with kids, sex usually happens on Sunday afternoons, quiet and a bit rushed, while the kids watch Netflix downstairs. But there was a time when I was up for it, into it, and down with it, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Wink.
4 good reasons to have an orgasm
4 good reasons to have an orgasm
Then I met a mum who made me reconsider everything
Turn the TV off when you can and turn the conversation on where possible. And remember; loving them is easy, it’s rearing them that’s hard but it does get easier with practise.
So here I am thinking I’m a liberated, bi-curious horn-bag, when it turns out, actually, that I’m Mary Freaking Poppins, after a revealing conversation with a mum from my kid's school.
Her primary schooler and my primary schooler are best mates, and we’d just met for an innocent play date at the park. I mean, it doesn't get any more innocent.
We came back to my place and had a glass of wine while the kids played, and she remarked that she was tired, as she and her husband had been to a party the night before.
Parties are fairly thin on the ground in your 40s, and so I exclaimed, "A party! Tell me more about this party!". She looked down and laughed nervously, "Well, I’m not sure I should tell you."
'We were watching our children play as usual when she told me'. Image: iStock.
It wasn't your average party
All of a sudden it got really awkward, and instead of changing the subject, I responded with the thing I generally do in these sensitive social situations - which is to project an over-the-top facade of ease and confidence - and said "Well now I’m intrigued and you HAVE to tell me!", and she laughed nervously again, took a sip of wine, and said - "Ok ... we went to a kink party".
Ask your children three "you" questions every day. The art of conversation is an important social skill, but parents often neglect to teach it. Get a kid going with questions like, "Did you have fun at school?"; "What did you do at the party you went to?"; or "Where do you want to go tomorrow afternoon?"
"Oh!" I said knowingly, as if I had any clue what a kink party was.
So what exactly is a 'kink party'?
A kink party, as I found out after I put the kids to bed and opened my laptop, is a social event where like-minded kinksters dress up and socialise - “Hi Jeff, hows the kids?” etc - and also, you know, partake in the range of kinky action going on.
There are BDSM ‘scenes’, such as people attached to an A frames getting whipped and having hot wax dripped on them. These scenes are usually loosely scripted by the participants, and attendees at the party can request to get involved - “Yo Brenda, bags next turn on the bondage bed!”.
There are sex rooms, electric shock play sections, areas with benches for spanking, and rooms for medical and blood play. And everything in between.
'I couldn't stop thinking about Anna and Tim at these sex parties.' Image: iStock.
Blood rooms? Yep, blood rooms
My friend and her husband met through the kink scene, and they still went to parties held at different locations in Sydney. They’d met some of their best and oldest friends through the scene. She didn't say specifically what they were in to, kink-wise - and I had regained enough social etiquette not to ask.
Just say "No." Resist the urge to take on extra obligations at the office or become the Volunteer Queen at your child's school. You will never, ever regret spending more time with your children.
I went to bed with the pictures from the internet still dancing, or rather gyrating, in my head. A woman trussed up naked, rotating like a pig on a spit. People getting spanked with wooden paddles, their bums red raw. PVC, leather, scratched skin, zapped skin. Boobs. Lots of boobs.
And then my mind went there - what were Anna and Tim into? Lovely, sociable, Anna and Tim, who both volunteered at the school and worked hard at their full-time jobs to to make ends meet?
A million images raced through my head
Rande Gerber, Cindy Crawford and George Clooney attend the Casamigos Halloween Party. The A-lister and the businessman showed off their matching pilot costumes, while Gerber's wife, supermodel Cindy Crawford, brought some retro realness as an old-school flight attendant. Harry Styles attends the Casamigos Halloween Party.
Tim in a studded leather harness, getting whipped by his dominant friend. Anna in a PVC corset, her ample bosom spilling out as men tweak and fondle her. Anna and Tim writhing in an orgy of lubed up bodies, being penetrated here, thrusting there, not knowing where their own private parts started and others ended in a blissed out abandonment of … OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.
I tossed and turned.
What about play dates at their house?
Would my sweet, nerdy daughter find the nipple clamps and incorporate them in to a game of dress ups, innocently thinking they were a pair of suspenders? Would I pick her up one day, to find her and her little friend playing a swashbuckling game of pirates, their swords, unbeknownst to them, actually a pair of 10 inch dildos?
"Respect the child. Be not too much his parent. Trespass not on his solitude." -Ralph Walso Emerson
Could I trust Anna and Tim with my kid, when any night of the week they may have been out to all hours, gagged and collared, getting flogged in a dungeon in Kings Cross?
'Would my daughter mistake a dildo for a toy?' Image: iStock.
But what does a person’s sexual proclivities and fetishes, have to do with how responsible, or caring, or ethical they are?
Just like a person’s sexual orientation, it has nothing to do with it.
How scary is kink, really?
While the BDSM scene has a lot of dangerous connotations, consent is compulsory in role play, and this is well understood and enforced by BDSM services and groups. A safe word is established before the scene, and there is an after care process where participants can raise any concerns about their experience.
Studio Kink in Sydney runs a class called Getting Your Kink On, which covers the basics of BDSM, consent and negotiation, and gives an intro to the different types of play, and bondage gear. According to their website, the class provides a foundation for ‘fun and ethical BDSM’. Fun and ethical! I’m feeling much better already.
And I think if you scratched the surface of your average accountant, or stay-at-home dad, or high flying business woman, you’d find some funky interests and turn-ons, that perhaps just aren't always getting acted out.
Don't raise a spoiled kid. Keep this thought in mind: Every child is a treasure, but no child is the center of the universe. Teach him accordingly.
Writing this, I’m all of a sudden remembering that recurring fantasy I had in my 20s, that involved being examined by a very attractive, well endowed doctor, and um, his assistants.
We’re all kinky in some way, it's just a matter of degrees
And there were no nipple clamp-suspenders worn home by my precious primary schooler from the latest play date. Just a big smile on a happy, tired kid from an afternoon hanging with her best mate. I think we’re all going to be fine.